FORT BRAGG, N.C. " Today's ideologically driven mass shooting has been canceled because of the government shutdown, base officials and furloughed extremists confirmed Thursday. "The plans for this indiscriminate violence had been in the works long before the current fiscal year," said SPC Jefferson Dale Earnhardt Davis, a fringe internet conspiracy theorist of some variety. "But with furloughs and closed facilities, it's clear this isn't an exempted activity." On 1 Oct the government entered a shutdown due to a lapse in appropriations. Which means that many operations have been curtailed: training exercises, permanent change of station moves, morale activities, barracks mold remediation, rooting out DEI supporters, free government sex changes, abortion parties, white supremacist meetings at the base library, healthcare coverage, and mass shootings have all been cancelled due to the anti-deficiency act.
"The showdown of political will in Congress right now is addressing some of our deepest problems here at Fort Bragg, I mean Fort Liberty, or is it Fort Bragg now?" an anonymous second shooter reported from his mother's basement. "Myself, along with a shadowy underground fighting against American values are going to pick up again on our unchecked violence, but not while we are having this fruitful public discussion on immigration. Or is it healthcare? I think I heard something about Greenland." Others have reported that one speech from SECDEF Pete 'Sharpie Sniffer' Hegseth was enough to revive their warrior spirit, but without TDY funding, the urge to line up the fatties against a wall execute them petered out pretty quickly. "Joining Antifa sounded pretty sick, but now I'm covering for three furloughed GS employees," 2LT Linda Graves added to the r/NewTerroristGroups reddit thread. "I'm just tired. I don't have time for a hobby right now."
Terror plots deemed nonessential' until Congress passes continuing resolution.
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