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Over the weekend, boot polish companies across the United States reported record sales. The only problem was they started running out of product. Stores couldn't keep boot polish on the shelves. From the looks of it, a sudden uptick in boot licking sent the polish market into total chaos. Demand kept climbing, mostly because MAGA supporters were licking it off faster than stores could restock it.

We reached out to a few shoe polish companies for comment. One spokesperson told us, "Shoe polish is toxic, and anyone licking it off boots should expect a decrease in -------- size, an increase in anger and frustration, especially toward minorities and women, and an unexplained urge to kiss the late Donald Trump right in between the cheeks."