Boot Polish Sales Surge Over Weekend

Tuesday, January 13, 2026

Over the weekend, boot polish companies across the United States reported record sales.

Posted by A_Friend at 01:59 PM | 3 COMMENTS | permalink | Comment on This Entry |

Comments

Admin's note: Participants in this discussion must follow the site's moderation policy. Profanity will be filtered. Abusive conduct is not allowed.

snip ...

Over the weekend, boot polish companies across the United States reported record sales. The only problem was they started running out of product. Stores couldn't keep boot polish on the shelves. From the looks of it, a sudden uptick in boot licking sent the polish market into total chaos. Demand kept climbing, mostly because MAGA supporters were licking it off faster than stores could restock it.

We reached out to a few shoe polish companies for comment. One spokesperson told us, "Shoe polish is toxic, and anyone licking it off boots should expect a decrease in -------- size, an increase in anger and frustration, especially toward minorities and women, and an unexplained urge to kiss the late Donald Trump right in between the cheeks."

#1 | Posted by A_Friend at 2026-01-13 02:00 PM | Reply

snip ...

We went live to a supermarket where red hats were taking products off the shelves so fast that employees weren't even sure everyone was paying for them. The polish was leaving too quickly for the store to keep track.

We tried speaking with one MAGA individual, but with a thick ring of shoe polish around his lips, it was hard to make out his words. The best we could catch was something like, "frickin damn them -------- sucking the boots is fine, and eatin the ----, and and you deserve this!" That was about all we could make out from his strangled, shoe-polish-soaked rambling.

#2 | Posted by A_Friend at 2026-01-13 02:03 PM | Reply

snip ...

By Sunday night, sales were still climbing and it didn't look like the boot licking would slow down anytime soon. If you need shoe polish for anything other than giving boots a tongue bath, you might want to get out there soon. It looks like supplies could stay wiped out for the next few years.

If you need that polish for something serious, snag it while you can.

#3 | Posted by A_Friend at 2026-01-13 02:04 PM | Reply