The deputy chief of staff said: "You thought you could kill Charlie Kirk; you have made him a martyr ... "You cannot defeat us, you cannot slow us, you cannot stop us, you cannot deter us "You have no idea the dragon you have awakened." "WE are the ones who build, who create, who lift up humanity. You thought you could KILL Charlie Kirk? YOU HAVE MADE HIM IMMORTAL!" "They cannot imagine what they have awakened! They cannot conceive of the army they have arisen in all of us!" He continued: "And now millions will carry on his legacy! And we will devote the rest of our lives to FINISHING the causes for which Charlie gave his last measure of devotion. "We stand for what is good, virtuous and noble. And to those trying to incite violence against us? ... What do you have? You have nothing, you are nothing. You are wickedness, you are jealousy, you are hatred."
Study Links Trump Being President to Increased Use of Tylenol
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)"According to a new study published on Monday, there is a strong link between Donald Trump being president and increased use of Tylenol.
The study, which was published by the University of Minnesota Medical School, reports that consumption of the pain reliever has increased by nine thousand percent since Trump's Inauguration in January.
Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, called the data "surprising," adding, "We expected the increase to be much greater."
Logsdon said that the medical school would soon release additional findings linking Trump's presidency to an increased use of alcohol, marijuana, and crack.