WASHINGTON: The arteries of Donald J. Trump are "extremely unlikely" to serve a third term in the White House, the blood vessels said on Tuesday.

In a social media post, the vascular tubes pushed back against Trump's recent musings about remaining in office beyond his second term.

"Leaving aside the constitutional issues, there are serious anatomical issues," the arteries said. "The pressure on us has been unbearable."

At the White House, Trump slammed his arteries' comments, telling reporters, "My circulatory system has treated me very unfairly."

(The Borowitz Report)

Finally, an American president willing to continue spending at disastrous current levels while floating tax hikes and pushing government impositions that will raise consumer prices with the help of DOGE incel pirates.

Finally, an American president willing to continue spending at disastrous current levels while floating tax hikes and pushing government impositions that will raise consumer prices.

Trump is the greatest president in history. My bank account is overflowing, crime is nonexistent, border crossings are zero, and corruption in DC has been eliminated. Thank you.

WASHINGTON: Support is growing for the notion of Donald J. Trump serving a third term in prison, a new poll released on Sunday indicates.

The poll, conducted by the Opinion Research Institute at the University of Minnesota, reveals that many Americans would like to see Trump serve such a third term even before his second term in the White House is over.

Davis Logsdon, who supervised the survey, said that poll respondents favor exploring "any way to make this happen," including "a constitutional amendment permitting him to serve several such terms."

(The Borowitz Report)

Finally, an American president willing to continue spending at disastrous current levels while floating tax hikes and pushing government impositions that will raise consumer prices.

69!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When they shippin?

Republicans, remember: You asked for this. Given the choice between a dozen solid conservatives and one Clinton-supporting con artist and game-show host, you chose the con artist. You chose him freely. Nobody made you do it.

If
The
House
Is a
Rockin'
Don't
Bother
Knockin'

Burma Shave

Republicans, remember: You asked for this. Given the choice between a dozen solid conservatives and one Clinton-supporting con artist and game-show host, you chose the con artist. You chose him freely. Nobody made you do it.

"Can't anybody here play this game? Been in this game one-hundred years, but I see new ways to lose 'em I never knew existed before."

-Casey Stengel

When you've lost the National Review 2

I Don't Care If It Wasn't Classified

After yesterday's bombshell story of Jeffrey Goldberg being accidentally added to a group chat on military strikes on the Houthi pirates, one of today's big follow-on fights is the question of what information was shared in the Signal chat and whether it was classified. There's a direct dispute between Goldberg, who wrote that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth's texts "contained operational details of forthcoming strikes on Yemen, including information about targets, weapons the U.S. would be deploying, and attack sequencing," and Hegseth, who denies this. (Goldberg insists that he has not published these messages out of concern for national security, although nothing would stop him from sharing them with the Senate Intelligence Committee in closed session; the committee would doubtless very much like to see them).

There was a lot of jousting today in an Intelligence Committee hearing, where CIA Director John Ratcliffe and Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard (both participants in the chat) told the Senate panel that the chat didn't share classified information. To which my response is: who cares? The classification system is useful in flagging for the casual reader what information shouldn't be shared (and it is also famously promiscuous in its use), but what matters is what information is actually something that should be secret for national security reasons. That's the legal standard under the Espionage Act, and it's the practical standard as well. That was the issue during the Hillary emails debate: a hyper focus on what was and wasn't classified missed the fact that we shouldn't be giving foreign adversaries an opening to spy in real time on the thinking and scheduling of our nation's chief diplomat. That's an intelligence goldmine even if it includes no formally classified information, let alone classified documents. So it is here. The story is, of course, much worse if Goldberg is telling the truth (either he or Hegseth is lying; there's no middle ground). But even if that part of the story isn't true, there is hardly a more sensitive fact that we need to keep secret than that senior American policymakers are discussing a surprise military strike. You carefully guard that discussion, whether or not it includes coordinates, targets, methods, or strike times.

PYONGYANG: Stung by his omission from the Trump administration's recent war-planning chat, on Wednesday Kim Jong Un demanded to be included in all such group chats in the future.

"Why was this Goldberg person, who doesn't even have nuclear weapons, included?" the North Korean dictator asked. "This should never be allowed to happen in this country."

Kim said that he had downloaded the latest version of the Signal app and was waiting for Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to ping him.

Calling his exclusion from the Houthi bombing chat "hurtful," he said, "I shouldn't have to read about it in The Atlantic."

(The Borowitz Report)

The scandal in which the highest-ranking Trump defense and intelligence officials planned a war on their cell phones and, inexplicably, dragged in a journalist as they did so continued to be the hottest topic of conversation yesterday. The two most notable threads of it all involve (a) the people involved in it claiming that nothing classified was discussed on the chat; and (b) people on the right trying to personally discredit the journalist who was included, Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic, for some reason.

The claims that the chat did not contain classified material are ridiculous on their face. They literally planned an act of war, discussed its strategy and the president's thinking, and then went into detailed specifics regarding targets and stuff while also identifying covert CIA operatives by name. I understand that lie, lie, lie, lie has generally been a winning strategy for Republicans for the past ten years but anyone who believes this particular lie is either a blithering idiot or they're just saying they believe it in order to help circle the political wagons.

The attempts to discredit Goldberg, while predictable, are bizarre. Partially because, as noted yesterday, everyone involved already admitted that what he wrote was true. But also because the more disgraceful Republicans make Goldberg out to be " or the more they claim they have no idea who he is " the worse it looks for the people involved in the chat in the first place. I mean:

Mike Waltz lies that he's "never met, don't know, never communicated with" Jeffrey Goldberg

The story is, of course, much worse if Goldberg is telling the truth (either he or Hegseth is lying; there's no middle ground). But even if that part of the story isn't true, there is hardly a more sensitive fact that we need to keep secret than that senior American policymakers are discussing a surprise military strike. You carefully guard that discussion, whether or not it includes coordinates, targets, methods, or strike times. This leaves me asking once again the Casey Stengel refrain: Can't anybody here play this game?

69!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fire in the hole!

Clear the decks!

Tympani!

Don't worry, Fishy. The Durham Report will expose all of them!

WASHINGTON: Amid the outcry over the leaking of top-secret war plans, on Monday millions of Americans called for a breathalyzer to be attached to Pete Hegseth's phone.

In an emotional apology at the Pentagon, Hegseth said that someone in his position "should never drink and text, and so I am giving up texting."

According to national security experts, a journalist was given access to highly sensitive war plans that are normally available only to people using a public bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.

(The Borowitz Report)

#8

At your age it would be like shooting pool with a rope

The whole thing makes you wonder if anybody in charge has ever read a book, or maybe even a cereal box.

Republicans, remember: You asked for this.

Given the choice between a dozen solid conservatives and one Clinton-supporting con artist and game-show host, you chose the con artist.

You chose him freely. Nobody made you do it.