WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)"Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky announced his retirement on Thursday, declaring, "My work destroying this country is done." Stating, "I want to spend more time rolling back progress for my family," the senator told reporters. "I retire with my head held high, knowing that I am leaving the country in smoldering ruins. From torpedoing gun laws to boosting sexual assailants onto the Supreme Court, I have been tireless in my effort to make this land unfit for human habitation," McConnell said.