Looks like someone gave STD a Red Bull. He hasn't been this aroused since The Dukes of Hazard was new.

If I ever met you in person I'd ---- you up. Just know that.
#5 | POSTED BY BELLRINGER

Ha! "Hall of Fame level troll" being trolled. That's rich.

If someone can talk, they can breathe.

QUEENS, NEW YORK: In what has become a Memorial Day tradition for him, on Monday Donald J. Trump laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Podiatrist.

Trump made his annual pilgrimage to pay homage to the heroic doctors who issued bogus diagnoses to ensure that their privileged patients never answered the call of duty.

In an emotional tribute, Trump thanked the fallen foot specialists who bravely risked their medical licenses so that others facing military service could be free.

Choking back tears, he said, "They gave everything so people like me could give nothing."

(The Borowitz Report)

All because Harvard didn't admit Baron.

Ronald Reagan claimed that the Russian language had no word for "freedom." (The word is "svoboda"; it's quite well attested in Russian literature.) Ronald Reagan said that intercontinental ballistic missiles (not that there are any non-ballistic missiles"a corruption of language that isn't his fault) could be recalled once launched. Ronald Reagan said that he sought a "Star Wars" defense only in order to share the technology with the tyrants of the U.S.S.R. Ronald Reagan professed to be annoyed when people called it "Star Wars," even though he had ended his speech on the subject with the lame quip, "May the force be with you." Ronald Reagan used to alarm his Soviet counterparts by saying that surely they'd both unite against an invasion from Mars. Ronald Reagan used to alarm other constituencies by speaking freely about the "End Times" foreshadowed in the Bible. In the Oval Office, Ronald Reagan told Yitzhak Shamir and Simon Wiesenthal, on two separate occasions, that he himself had assisted personally at the liberation of the Nazi death camps.

There was more to Ronald Reagan than that. Reagan announced that apartheid South Africa had "stood beside us in every war we've ever fought," when the South African leadership had been on the other side in the most recent world war. Reagan allowed Alexander Haig to greenlight the Israeli invasion of Lebanon in 1982, fired him when that went too far and led to mayhem in Beirut, then ran away from Lebanon altogether when the Marine barracks were bombed, and then unbelievably accused Tip O'Neill and the Democrats of "scuttling." Reagan sold heavy weapons to the Iranian mullahs and lied about it, saying that all the weapons he hadn't sold them (and hadn't traded for hostages in any case) would, all the same, have fit on a small truck. Reagan then diverted the profits of this criminal trade to an illegal war in Nicaragua and lied unceasingly about that, too. Reagan then modestly let his underlings maintain that he was too dense to understand the connection between the two impeachable crimes. He then switched without any apparent strain to a policy of backing Saddam Hussein against Iran. (If Margaret Thatcher's intelligence services had not bugged Oliver North in London and become infuriated because all European nations were boycotting Iran at Reagan's request, we might still not know about this.)

WASHINGTON: The approval rating of South African President Cyril Ramaphosa is poised to skyrocket after he visited the Oval Office on Wednesday and was subjected to Donald J. Trump acting like a dick.

Ramaphosa, who was struggling with 35 percent approval before Trump's tantrum, should see that rating surge to 75 or higher, experts predict.

Moments after the meeting, Ramaphosa received congratulatory calls from Ukraine's Volodymyr Zelenskyy and Canada's Mark Carney, both of whom saw their fortunes soar thanks to Trump's ------- antics.

After the meeting, Trump took pride in standing up for "the horribly oppressed white South Africans," noting, "These poor farmers can't enjoy white supremacy in their own country, so they have to move here for it."

(The Borowitz Report)

Alright, buckle up buttercup, because we're diving headfirst into the political mosh pit, and let me tell you, it ain't pretty. We're talking about that glorious, shambolic institution we lovingly (and sometimes less than lovingly) call the GOP. Now, they've been flogging this line about Donald Trump being the savior, the only guy with the guts to finally, *finally* punch the "establishment" square in its pasty, moderate face. It's been their mantra for, what, a decade now? Ten years of MAGA-splaining, where every dipstick with a red hat will tell you the same tired fairy tale. Before Trump, they moan, the Republican Party was overrun by a bunch of pantywaist, country club types, all talk and no trousers. They *said* they'd cut taxes, dismantle Obamacare, and whip those welfare slackers into shape. But when push came to shove? Zilch. Nada. They were all hat and no cattle, and they reserved their special brand of venom for the actual conservatives trying to rattle the cage.

And then, boom! Along comes The Donald, riding in like a platinum-haired, golden-escalator-descending Valkyrie, ready to "fight." He was the corrective measure, they say. The one to fix all the "failures." Well, color me unimpressed. This whole narrative? It always smelled fishier than week-old mahi-mahi, and now? It's a full-blown comedy. Because guess what? Trump and his crew have turned out to be exactly the same as the so-called "establishment" they claimed to despise. Old Donnie promised to balance the budget, for crying out loud! Said he'd do what hadn't been done in 24 years. Two months later? He's throwing money around like a drunken sailor on shore leave, blowing up the deficit, and attacking any Republican who dares suggest a hint of fiscal responsibility.

Honestly, it's like watching your grandpa put on your dad's old leather jacket and trying to convince you he's now a rebellious biker. He's still your grandpa, and he's still wearing plaid pants under that leather. You can dress it up, but it's still the same song and dance. Politics is not some newfangled invention. Coalitions? They need wrangling. Electoral math? It's as constant as gravity, and it doesn't change just because some reality TV star decided to run for president. So, save me the sermons about Trump being "different." He's just another guy playing the same game, and frankly, he's not playing it any better.

Neil Diamond. Another Jew dividing 'Murica. Good call, Jeff. Any real Patriot understands. Them Commie lovin' Libs are a hindrance to real 'Murican values.

Look what they did to great American cities. They can take a perfectly good car and ---- it up.

If this catches fire, it's all Trump needs for his goons to start rounding Democrats up.

Biden Covered Up Health Woes with Four Years of Booming Economy

WASHINGTON: In a bombshell report that stirred controversy on Tuesday, a prominent conspiracy theorist claimed that Joe Biden concealed his health problems by making the American economy boom for four straight years.

"Biden thought he could hide his health issues by making the U.S. economy the envy of the world," the conspiracist, Harland Dorrinson, said. "Low unemployment, a surging stock market, and a stable dollar all played their parts in the cover-up."

Strengthening NATO and bolstering relationships with allies were also key components of Biden's elaborate scheme to hide his health woes, Dorrinson said.

"Biden kept the media distracted by making the US trusted and respected around the world," he said. "Trump would never do that."

(The Borowitz Report)

Every f'n idiot knows this, but still Trump lied about it. I get why he tried; it's a way to lower the debt without cutting spending, but it was always doomed. Like a salesman, Trump knows how to promote. But, after the sale, his execution sucks. It always has. I'll be f'n joyful when this era of magical thinking is finished. Trump is a coward. Make the f'n cuts or STFU.

They vote whichever way the donors want. None of them gives a crapola what voters think. They throw you pablum like what Trump thinks of Springsteen while they pick your pocket.

"I ain't gots no medical insurance but at least I gots a shotgun that's illegal to shoot, durhoot."

A true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights and fights and then fights some more. Because surrender is death and death is for -------.

Americans are right to take it seriously.

Drama Queen

The Citizen Ship lands. The immigrant contestants make a break for it the first chance they get. The Gestapo pursues them. Immigrant contestants run into the arms of concerned groups. Lawsuits ensue. Series cancelled.

Pimp Force One is a flying nightmare

A couple of problems with your approach, BJ and you should know better:

1. 86 is a sexual position. It's not illegal for Comey to express desire for another man, even the president.

2. Comey has diplomatic immunity

8647-5309

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 was an assassin?

When did 86 ever mean murder? 86 is getting thrown out. Happens to me all the time. FFS.

People are losing their frick'n minds.

#66

Ask a liberal.

69!!!!!

Trump and his band of pirates have been plotting this for the last 4 years. They've figured out how to circumvent the court. Congress should be pressing their constitutional will, but they make more $$$ being the opposition, especially the Democrats. Trump will get his way until Father Time intervenes. By the looks of Trump, it shouldn't be long.

WASHINGTON: The luxury 747 gifted by Qatar to Donald J. Trump was totaled after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth drove it into a tree, the Pentagon confirmed on Wednesday.

According to witnesses, Hegseth decided to give the plane a test drive after discovering it in the Pentagon parking lot with the keys in the ignition.

Soon, the jumbo jet was spotted doing wild figure 8's before veering off the lot and into the nearby woods, where it collided with a massive oak.

The regrettable incident was only the latest setback for Hegseth, who earlier this week was ordered to change his Pentagon password from JohnnieWalker750ml.

(The Borowitz Report)