To all the federal agents who make up U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement and U.S. Customs and Border Protection " you know, the ones out there who are so humble they wear masks over their faces, lest they be publicly lauded for their good deeds " I want you to know something: You're doing great, everybody loves you and you're definitely going to wind up on the right side of history! I realize you've been getting some negative feedback on your recent visit to Minneapolis, due to things like shooting and killing a mother in her car, firing chemical agents directly into protesters' faces and breaking down doors to arrest hardworking migrants with no criminal records. And you've lost a podcaster.
But let's not focus on the negatives! You've all been doing a great job looking super tough in your war clothes, yelling threats at civilians, and making America proud by descending on Target stores with large guns and overwhelming force to snatch up employees for no clear reason.
And now, after a second Minneapolis shooting involving a federal agent on Jan. 14, President Donald Trump might reward you by invoking the Insurrection Act and sending the military in to help you with your efforts to calm a city that was just minding its own business before you came along and invaded it.
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