"By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, it is hereby ordered:
Section 1: Each planet in the solar system will be renamed the following: Mercury shall now be called Tiffany, Mars will be Don Junior, Venus shall be Ivanka, Jupiter will be Donald, Uranus will be Melania, Neptune will be Eric, Pluto will be Jarred, and the Moon will be renamed Barron.
It is in the best interest of the Nation to waste time, money, and resources on these megalomaniacal and frivolous contrivances to soothe my over-inflated ego and throw my cult followers red meat to go along with their Kool Aid.
My Administration will work hard to make the United States the most idiotic and untrustworthy nation in the world while pilfering its wealth on behalf of the oligarchs and Vladimir Putin, and helping Israel rid itself of Palestinians.
The United States Space Force (an imbecilic and unnecessary branch of the US military I established during my first reign of terror) shall provide funding for publication of this order in the Federal Register."
(Signed)
Dotard Trumpf
THE WHITE HOUSE,
May 8, 2025.
