Another Sir Story

Sir, the natives are growing restless.

What the hell is wrong with them, Stephen? Do they want another tariff? Should I cut some more programs? Do I need to send some Democrats to Alligator Alcatraz? Or that place in El Salvador or wherever the hell it was. I try to give people what they want, and this is how they treat me? It's the radical left lunatics on NPR that are getting them riled.

Yes, it's unpatriotic. We should show them how patriotic and strong you are by arresting them. But sir, if I may, sir, that's not the issue right now. It's the Epstein thing.

I told you to tell them to stop talking about Epstein.

I tried that, sir, but I'm not sure it was effective.

Tell them I didn't know they were teenagers.

Beg your pardon, sir?

The girls! How was I to know they weren't 16 yet?

Oh, well, why don't we leave that one alone for a while? I have another suggestion, sir, if you are willing to entertain me for a moment.

What? This better be good.

My suggestion, sir, is to send Americans a check. At least some of them. You know how good you feel when you acquire more wealth, correct?

Hell yeah, nothing makes me happier than getting money. Other than getting revenge on somebody who wasn't loyal to me. That's the most fun a guy can have. So how much we gotta pay people?

The details have yet to be worked out, sir. You just go out and sell the concept, tell them everything is going great, so we're going something to take your mind off things. Stick with us and you'll be rich! Give it a good rah-rah-rah, sir, and we'll get back to you with all the information. You are so good at inspiring people, sir.

All right, this is great, thanks.